Chelsea Peretti’s Opening Act at the 10th Annual Crunchies

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(upbeat dance music) (audience applauding) – [Man] Chelsea Peretti! – The energy is palpable. (audience laughing) What a wild, raucous crowd. (audience laughing) Welcome, everyone, to this conference. (audience laughing) I’m sorry that 100 of you couldn’t make it to the front section.

That’s cool. What’s up, snowflakes? (audience cheering) How are you guys doing? I am Chelsea Peretti, you may remember me from such things as hosting last year.

(audience laughing) I do have a 10-year contract, so we’re just getting started, gang.

Does this audio sound good to you right now? Okay. Great. It’s weird, it’s cool looking out here. I’ve been going to so many Hollywood parties and stuff, it’s cool to see what just regular people look like.

(audience laughing) (laughing) Yes, I am pregnant, (audience cheering) and yes, thank you.

(audience laughing) And, you know, I probably will be having this child, assuming we don’t have a nuclear war and stuff, so we’re really excited. I just wanna get in front of it and say I will not be pulling a Marissa Mayer with my work ethic as a pregnant. She’s backstage giving birth to triplets, but she’ll be out soon to present an award. (audience laughing) And guys who are coming on stage, if you do shake her hand, just don’t shake too hard ’cause the placenta will come out.

(laughing) Sorry, I’m skipping steps, guys. I should explain, I’m pregnant, I got this way from sex. (audience laughing) Sex is what happens when you take off your Oculus and…

(audience laughing) Stick your donger in someone repeatedly. It’s kinda like 3D printing your DNA. (audience laughing) Think of it that way. Guys, let’s get to know each other! Who secretly voted for Trump?

Just raise your hand. (audience laughing) Go ahead and raise your hand if you’re in the Illuminati. Raise your hand. Well played. Raise your hand if you’re profitable.

(audience laughing) If you’re profitable, raise your hand. All right, ladies. You know, don’t be ashamed. Who’s almost out of Runway? Raise your hand.

Don’t be shy, there’s lots of investors who could help you here out of Runway. All right. Where’s my doomsday preppers at? I just wanna see if you’ll let me crash on your bunker couch in the end times. Or you could just fix public schools right now.

Up to you. (audience applauding) (laughing) Thank you, public schools, am I right? I’ll be honest, last year, I feel like I came at you guys kinda hard.

This year, Trump seems like a little more evil, so I’m kinda confused about where to situate you on the scale of evil. (laughing) You guys are doing some good things.

You know, like, (laughing) thank you, Chelsea, unqualified person to say that, anyway, no. Apple, Microsoft, Facebook, and Google signed a amicus brief, a thing that I know what it is. (audience laughing) All opposing Trump’s ridiculous travel ban. That was good. (audience applauding) And I don’t know if it’s too soon to ask, but now can they all oppose making incompatible products?

Once they resolve the travel ban, can they make it so an Android can send an iMessage? Or just like if I click an address on my iPhone, it just opens in Google Maps? (audience laughing) Don’t get me wrong, Apple Maps is dope.

It’s great. (laughing) (audience laughing) This is so annoying how low this is!

I did the run through in not a heel, so I was down here. That’s all right. You guys, this is behind the scenes showbiz stuff. You have some good villains right now in tech. You have Uber CEO, Travis Kalanick.

Good head of hair, bad head of brain. (audience laughing) (laughing) But I will say he was kind enough to let me test ride one of those self-driving Ubers a little while ago, but I think it had a glitch because it kept taking me to Trump thank you rallies.

(audience laughing) Hopefully, they’ve got that sorted out. I do have some jokes about Wikileaks and Anonymous, but they both scare me to death, so let’s just move it right along. Let me focus on a safer target, Peter Thiel.

I’m kidding, I love Peter. I love Peter, we’re very close. I just got back from Hawaii from one of his shindigs there, and if I look really tan it’s because they locked me out and made me stand outside the whole time. Am I right, ladies, no one? You guys are scared too?

All right. (audience laughing) (laughing) My brother is the CEO of BuzzFeed, and I’ve got a few good BuzzFeed stories to share with you, but I couldn’t verify them, so I don’t feel comfortable. (audience laughing) All right, fine, I’ll tell you one thing. My brother is a Russian prostitute. (audience laughing) Trump has been a pretty incredible president so far though.

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We gotta give up, I mean, I love his stick-to-it-iveness. You know, he’s really delivering. You guys are kind of hard on Trump, but while you’re all here plotting to eliminate the American workforce with self-driving cars, and drones, and shit like that, Trump has created jobs for upwards of seven coal miners. (audience laughing) So who’s the bad guy now? (sighing) (laughing) Oh, wow, this is crazy.

I just got a text. You guys remember Postmates? (audience laughing) Last year right before the show, I Postmated a burrito from El Farolito.

Great news, it just arrived. (audience laughing) Oh no, wait, the order’s been canceled, and there’s no number to reach anyone and complain.

Great app though, did they win last year? I blotted the whole event out. Why do so many of you look like Brock Turner? It’s making me very nervous. (laughing) You’re welcome.

(audience laughing) You know, money can’t buy happiness, but it sure looks like it can get you some wives and girlfriends that are a hella outta your league. (audience laughing) (laughing) So congrats on that. Which billionaire here do you think married a woman furthest out of his league? Everyone point to that billionaire, point to that billionaire.

(audience laughing) (laughing) A down round is when your valuation goes down.

Oh, sorry, I just jotted that note down when I was researching what you guys would care about. (audience laughing) My next joke is really good, but it’s still buffering. (audience laughing) Guys, we are here to celebrate so many incredible nominees tonight. SpaceX is nominated for Best Overall Startup, so is Giphy. (audience laughing) (laughing) SpaceX, Giphy, SpaceX, Giphy.

(audience laughing) It’s a hard choice, but of course, it’s 100% Giphy that should win. (audience laughing) If Giphy doesn’t win, I’m gonna kill myself, and I say that like how Assange said he’d be extradited. (audience laughing) (laughing) Thank you. (audience laughing) Otto is a self-driving trucking company, they’re nominated, which is really cool because truck drivers have a lot of other employment opportunities, so you’ve done them a real solid. (audience laughing) (laughing) Are you guys gonna make robot lot lizards?

(audience laughing) Side note, you can put a brick on a gas pedal and make any vehicle self-driving. (audience laughing) It’s like the steering and the breaking is the tricky part. (audience laughing) A couple nominees for Hardware of the Year include a groundbreaking $200 beard trimmer and a $1,500 toaster oven.

Let me just kind of spitball here and just pitch a couple ideas to you off the top of my head. $80 wifi-enabled toenail clippers.

(audience laughing) That could be cool. A $300 4G shower cap. A $5,000 toilet seat you hook up to Facebook and it monitors your B-hole. (audience laughing) Is this the Sharper Image Catalog Awards? The Clue app is nominated, it tracks your period, PMS, fertility, and ovulation, which, actually, that does seem useful.

It’s like, why is my pussy bleeding? Oh! (audience laughing) (laughing) Mine isn’t, everything’s fine, I’m just…

(audience laughing) Lyft, our new American hero, Lyft, is nominated. (audience cheering) Yes! For their Best New Startup video starring Shaquille O’Neal. Nothing says hot new company like rolling out a bloated athlete who’s been retired for six years. (audience laughing) Snapchat Spectacles was nominated for Best Hardware.

Sorry, Google, maybe you shouldn’t have made Google Glasses look like Oakleys with a flashlight attached to them. (audience laughing) (laughing) We also have the TechCrunch Include Award where one of the nominees is called Project Include. Ugh, wonder who’s gonna win it. It’s a real nail-biter. (audience laughing) All right, we’re almost through here, guys.

(audience laughing) It’s gonna be a great night. Viv, you guys down with Viv? – [Woman] Woo! (laughing) (audience laughing) Pretty much sums up the vibe in here. (audience laughing) Viv is nominated for Best New Startup, it’s a voice-activated digital assistant.

These are crazy times for AI personal assistants. Siri, Cortana, Alexa, Viv. Is there any reason you guys give them all female names? I’m surprised there isn’t one just called Mommy. (audience laughing) (laughing) (audience applauding) Mommy, where’s the closest latte?

(audience laughing) Best VC, that is a tough category. It’s like picking best dog shit, I don’t know how to… (audience laughing) Can they all win?

(laughing) What’s the difference between nominee categories, Best Startup and Hottest Startup? Is it like the girl you brought tonight versus the escort you’re meeting later? (audience laughing) Anyway, guys, (laughing) all jokes aside, I’m honored to be here with you tonight.

You’re America’s best and brightest, I’ve been told. Last year, I feel like I was kind of a jerk, but this year, you know, being pregnant has tamed me.

(audience laughing) Don’t you feel like I’ve been a lot nicer, warmer, gentler? Money changes people. (audience laughing) Like, did you know before he was a billionaire, Chris Sacca dressed like an actual person and not someone who raped Woody from Toy Story? (audience laughing) (laughing) Did he wear that western getup to protest Standing Rock? It’s very mixed messages.

The wardrobe department on Westworld shows more restraint. (audience laughing) (laughing) Guys, let’s get the show started here, but do stick around after the show because we have one of the rockets out back and we’re gonna launch one of you into space (audience laughing) at the end of the show.

It’s an all expense paid trip to a barge in the middle of the ocean, (audience laughing) so stick around. You guys look great, most of you, some, some of you do. Enjoy the show, thank you very much!

(audience applauding).

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